unfuckwithable.ca

CONGRATS KRISTEN AND ROMAN!

“Tulane girls confuse American Apparel with a Mardi Gras costume store. It is not.” -Noah

Note: This is my second time writing this because I accidentally hit Refresh on my browser instead of New Tab, and didn’t save it because I’m not smart.  Here we go again.

Since I have roughly 30 hours left in this city before I head off to Miami, I figured this would be a good opportunity to drop a massive truth bomb about what’s it’s been like for me here (since 2006), and some individual truth bombs, because fuck consequences.

As much as I would love to stay, I simply can’t.  I have some serious health issues and the health care system in New Orleans can’t give me the care I need to survive another year or two or five or however many I get.  Also, Tulane rejected my application even though my credentials were above and beyond most of what it takes to get in, so fuck you guys.  The alumni who wrote my references and make substantial annual donations probably won’t for the foreseeable future.  Great work, guys.  (Also, I slept with the girl who was my admissions counselor, which if isn’t illegal, is certainly unethical.)  And finally, there are no jobs here in my current profession because New Orleans is an intelligence wasteland and the major concern here is crime, not the field I specialize in.  So for many reasons, I simply can’t live here anymore. Additionally, the whole city feels like a different place since I arrived several years ago, and I’m not a huge fan of it.

Now for individual truth bombs and goodbyes:

• Jac: I don’t think anyone has taught me more about myself and about life than being in a friendship with you has.  I miss the all-nighters spent screenprinting, getting ready for music festivals, painting warehouse spaces, DJing full and empty bars, letting me crash on the mattress in your closet, eating and drinking to excess, and all the parties and good times we shared.  Do your stint in L.A. and then let’s figure out something to change the world (and get rich).
• Dave: Thanks for being a great friend, for literally saving my life, saving me from a minor car wreck that could’ve blown up into a major event, for putting up with my craziness, for introducing me to everybody ever, for dragging me along to all the cool events in the city, for the haircuts, the drinks, the parties, the women, and the advice.  Good luck with everything you do.
• Molly: We were in a horrible, mutually destructive relationship and we’re far better people for going our separate ways.  We might be good as friends, but we’re shit at being in a relationship.
• Trey: Sorry we didn’t go out for more man-dates, though they were fantastic, and I haven’t met anyone who’s made me laugh more in my entire life.  Hopefully you still have that PA system installed in your car.  Take care of the wife and kids!
• Jude: I love you, man.
• Noah: When I first met you, you reminded me of J-Roc from the Trailer Park Boys, but now that I’ve gotten to know you, that’s so not the case and I’m huge fan of everything you do at Tulane and WTUL.
• Christina: We had great times together. Remember the crazy night we first slept together, where we moved your bed completely across the room from our, uh, motions, and how your roommate found us naked, pretending to be asleep, surrounded by used condoms? I remember dropping what I was doing at an instant just to come over to your apartment and be with you. Don’t think I never noticed that you wore pigtails after I (jokingly) told you that they turned me on. I regret not getting in my car to follow you to Seattle the day you left - I regret that every day. You’re the standard to which I judge every other woman in the world. I want nothing but for your dreams to come true, even though I wish I could be a part of them. Je t’aime.
• Eric: I’m buying you a copy of Invictus on DVD.
• Audrey: Thanks for leading me on for a few months. I’m not bitter, just slightly angry because I actually liked you and thought we connected. Oh well, you’re married, and I wish you well, especially when you find out that your husband is fucking a 21 year old undergrad at Tulane.  Till death do you prenup.
• Hollie: How come we never hooked up?  C’MON!  I was into you like WHOA.
• Mallory: I instantly crushed on you the first time I saw you at work and tried my damnedest to date you. But you’re in a great relationship now with a stand up dude and I wish you all the best and happiness.  Out of all the transplants to this city, you’re by far the most New Orleanian of all.
• Brett/Cajun Boy: Keep writing. I need someone to keep me apprised of the gossip and news coming out of the city. Sorry we didn’t get to hang out more.
• Musa: Love you, girl. Come back out to Miami soon, or if I’m in DC, come there and do some shows. You’re my favourite DJ in the city.
• The Strachans: Thanks for not turning away this social democrat from your wonderful house parties and every other event we attended. Give my regards to the matriarch of the family, and please look me up in DC if you’re up there.
• Dubsy: We never had a chance for a whiskey night! Anyway, I’m proud of you and hope we can meet up when we’re both in DC.
• Alex and Ashley: Thanks for being awesome people (categorically) and keeping up with me all these years via Facebook. I still remember the crazy drunken night at The Saint - and don’t worry, the secrets I heard I shall take to the grave.  When I’m back in the 202, a night out or dinner party is long, long overdue.  (Just no work talk between us, Alex.)  Thanks for the well-wishes, Ashley.  Oh, and I’m taking you up on your offer to set me up with one of your sorority sisters.  Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that.
• Melissa: No sex date? LAME.
• Kristen: Thanks for the after-work scotches and conversations about life, the MDP at Circle Bar, the class we shared at UNO, your advice on scooters, your taste in music and food, and holy fuck I’ve been crushing on you since I first moved here. Good luck with life and the possibility of Germany, etc etc.
• Katie from Lake Charles: I hope it was painfully obvious that I really, really wanted to sleep with you when I was giving you a ride back to Loyola, before I was cockblocked in the worst way.  That offer still stands, by the way.
• Certain Person’s girlfriend from Quebec: We slept together, several times. You guys had broken up and really, it’s a French Canadian thing, the random casual sex.  I miss the both of you!
• The middle-aged lady who always used to hit on me at work and at Sake Café could’ve had it.  Just saying.
• I definitely did sleep with one of New Orleans’s most prominent TV meteorologists. Not telling who, though.
• AT&T in New Orleans: Horrible service. Slow 3G, if it even works at all. Overpriced. No 4G LTE. Get your shit together or let someone who knows what they’re doing (coughVERIZONcough) take over.
• Corruption: Still here, still awesome. I have an audio recording of someone giving evidence of a certain developer paying off Ray Nagin for special treatment. I’m saving that jewel for a rainy day.
• Cochon: Thank you for existing.
• University of New Orleans: Thanks for burning bridges between us. All the research I was going to submit to you guys, I turned into the other two universities I’m affiliated with, George Mason University and the Université de Montréal. Also, bad idea for a you to violate federal disability statues, admit to it in a series of emails, and then somehow let me get a hold of those. You guys are not smart.

I think that about covers it.  If I didn’t mention you specifically, know that I love you and we should’ve hung out last week and said our goodbyes properly.

“Mais les vrais voyageurs sont ceux-là seuls qui partent,
Pour partir; cœurs légers, semblables aux ballons,
De leur fatalité jamais ils ne s’écartent,
Et, sans savoir pourquoi, disent toujours: Allons!”
- Baudelaire 

Every Habs fan I follow on Twitter has been posting about the Saints game (and/or Drew Brees) tonight.  I’m not sure what to make of it, but I feel exactly like Doc Brown in Back to the Future Part II when he realizes that they have to go back to 1955 from the alternate, scary 1985.  Like we’re going to win the Super Bowl and the Stanley Cup.  Or it could just be some kind of coincidence.

I’ll be free/around most of the day, but won’t be around for any of the big parties, etc, due to a prior commitment (charity thing for Oxfam Québec).

• Nick and Bradley and everyone else I’ve forgotten who is in town.  Let’s grab a coffee, drink, meal?  You guys have my phone number or Twitter/Facebook info.
• Same goes for anyone I didn’t specifically mention.
• Realistically we’re talking like 11am-6pm here.
• Jac, I’d love to see you at some point.  You too, Musa.  And I guess you too, Brett.  And Dave.  And Sarah.  And Melissa.  And Molly.
• No but really I can’t do anything much later than 6pm.  Maybe something earlier than 11am if you reach me tonight.

xoxox