unfuckwithable.ca

• Purchase supplies to fix up/customize my bike.  New paint job, rear rack, and a milk crate if I can find one (keeping it Montreal-style).  Canadian flag and Fleurdelisé decals on order.
• Bike at least 10km in heavy traffic, hopefully more.  Baby steps, y’all.
• Officially going vegetarian.  Cheese is excepted from this rule (read: poutine).  Also no more Pepsi/soft drinks - Perrier/San Pellegrino is the new rule around here.
• Trip to Publix to pick up a sufficient amount of alcohol to mix with Soma so I can get some sleep when my Ambien runs out in three days.
• Do all of that computer shit I posted about earlier.  I want a nice, clean machine to look at porn with to write with to video chat with to be a productive member of society with.
• McBrutaLLL is my spirit animal.
• Make appointment for an eye exam and get new glasses.  Or see if I can get financing for LASIK surgery.
• Make yearly dental appointment and see about getting my wisdom teeth removed.  All four of them.  ALL OF THE MORPHINES!

Next weekend (or during the week):

• Wait impatiently for the call from DC on the second job, lest I hang myself from the ceiling from the anxiety/depression/stress.
• Day trip to the beaches down in the Keys - some sun tanning, some swimming, some flirting with the vacationers from Ontario and Quebec.
• Pilgrimage to Dairy Belle for some glorious poutine.  I will literally spend upwards of $40-50 there.  A large to eat while sitting there, and two large poutines to bring home, which inevitably turn into gratinées.  Miami/Fort Lauderdale people are most welcome to join me.

Near-term future:

• Regain my Foursquare mayorships I lost when I moved back to New Orleans.
• Learn how to use the Metrorail system.  If it isn’t in Montreal/Toronto/NYC/Boston/DC, I’m at a total loss.

Miami is the only place in the U.S. where I can play just about any piece of music I want in front of a crowd and get an enthusiastic reaction.  (No offense to New Orleans, it’s just a different animal and a different approach there…plus, I’m not a native, which counts a hell of a lot more than most people think.)  Half of the crowd was from Quebec or France and just got it when I pulled out some obscure track from 20+ years ago, or loved some of the new stuff floating around Montreal or Paris or Dakar.  It was so painless that I was able to mentally check out of my usual anxieties for a few hours and enjoy some music, not even realizing that, oh shit, I’m playing it.

I wanted to stay longer, maybe out all night, and continue the conversations with the extremely nice group of girls from Laval, but I need my alone time.  Actually, that’s only partially true - I have some crazy social anxiety after I play, and most of the time I just want to bolt immediately no matter what.  I’m not trying to get out of a conversation because I’m an elitist asshole, I just can’t take criticism very well and don’t want to put myself in that situation.

But after I play, and after I make pleasantries with as many people as I can without overwhelming myself, I get to walk alone to find my car.  I enjoy these walks (some longer than others because I tend to lose track of my car pretty easily) because I’m on this natural high I can’t even begin to describe.  Wandering around as a stranger in a strange town is the icing on the cake - or the gravy on my poutine, if you will.  I drive home in silence, decompressing, usually thinking about anything other than music in general, or the set I just played.  Most nights I have too many feelings - feelings - to work through, so whatever neurochemical is helping things out, merci.  Soon I’m home with my dogs or in other situations girlfriends, my computer, my shower, a glass of whiskey, and my bed.

Speaking of which, I have extra feelings to process tonight, so I’m going to throw on some Mahler and stare at the ceiling in the dark for a while.

Note: This is my second time writing this because I accidentally hit Refresh on my browser instead of New Tab, and didn’t save it because I’m not smart.  Here we go again.

Since I have roughly 30 hours left in this city before I head off to Miami, I figured this would be a good opportunity to drop a massive truth bomb about what’s it’s been like for me here (since 2006), and some individual truth bombs, because fuck consequences.

As much as I would love to stay, I simply can’t.  I have some serious health issues and the health care system in New Orleans can’t give me the care I need to survive another year or two or five or however many I get.  Also, Tulane rejected my application even though my credentials were above and beyond most of what it takes to get in, so fuck you guys.  The alumni who wrote my references and make substantial annual donations probably won’t for the foreseeable future.  Great work, guys.  (Also, I slept with the girl who was my admissions counselor, which if isn’t illegal, is certainly unethical.)  And finally, there are no jobs here in my current profession because New Orleans is an intelligence wasteland and the major concern here is crime, not the field I specialize in.  So for many reasons, I simply can’t live here anymore. Additionally, the whole city feels like a different place since I arrived several years ago, and I’m not a huge fan of it.

Now for individual truth bombs and goodbyes:

• Jac: I don’t think anyone has taught me more about myself and about life than being in a friendship with you has.  I miss the all-nighters spent screenprinting, getting ready for music festivals, painting warehouse spaces, DJing full and empty bars, letting me crash on the mattress in your closet, eating and drinking to excess, and all the parties and good times we shared.  Do your stint in L.A. and then let’s figure out something to change the world (and get rich).
• Dave: Thanks for being a great friend, for literally saving my life, saving me from a minor car wreck that could’ve blown up into a major event, for putting up with my craziness, for introducing me to everybody ever, for dragging me along to all the cool events in the city, for the haircuts, the drinks, the parties, the women, and the advice.  Good luck with everything you do.
• Molly: We were in a horrible, mutually destructive relationship and we’re far better people for going our separate ways.  We might be good as friends, but we’re shit at being in a relationship.
• Trey: Sorry we didn’t go out for more man-dates, though they were fantastic, and I haven’t met anyone who’s made me laugh more in my entire life.  Hopefully you still have that PA system installed in your car.  Take care of the wife and kids!
• Jude: I love you, man.
• Noah: When I first met you, you reminded me of J-Roc from the Trailer Park Boys, but now that I’ve gotten to know you, that’s so not the case and I’m huge fan of everything you do at Tulane and WTUL.
• Christina: We had great times together. Remember the crazy night we first slept together, where we moved your bed completely across the room from our, uh, motions, and how your roommate found us naked, pretending to be asleep, surrounded by used condoms? I remember dropping what I was doing at an instant just to come over to your apartment and be with you. Don’t think I never noticed that you wore pigtails after I (jokingly) told you that they turned me on. I regret not getting in my car to follow you to Seattle the day you left - I regret that every day. You’re the standard to which I judge every other woman in the world. I want nothing but for your dreams to come true, even though I wish I could be a part of them. Je t’aime.
• Eric: I’m buying you a copy of Invictus on DVD.
• Audrey: Thanks for leading me on for a few months. I’m not bitter, just slightly angry because I actually liked you and thought we connected. Oh well, you’re married, and I wish you well, especially when you find out that your husband is fucking a 21 year old undergrad at Tulane.  Till death do you prenup.
• Hollie: How come we never hooked up?  C’MON!  I was into you like WHOA.
• Mallory: I instantly crushed on you the first time I saw you at work and tried my damnedest to date you. But you’re in a great relationship now with a stand up dude and I wish you all the best and happiness.  Out of all the transplants to this city, you’re by far the most New Orleanian of all.
• Brett/Cajun Boy: Keep writing. I need someone to keep me apprised of the gossip and news coming out of the city. Sorry we didn’t get to hang out more.
• Musa: Love you, girl. Come back out to Miami soon, or if I’m in DC, come there and do some shows. You’re my favourite DJ in the city.
• The Strachans: Thanks for not turning away this social democrat from your wonderful house parties and every other event we attended. Give my regards to the matriarch of the family, and please look me up in DC if you’re up there.
• Dubsy: We never had a chance for a whiskey night! Anyway, I’m proud of you and hope we can meet up when we’re both in DC.
• Alex and Ashley: Thanks for being awesome people (categorically) and keeping up with me all these years via Facebook. I still remember the crazy drunken night at The Saint - and don’t worry, the secrets I heard I shall take to the grave.  When I’m back in the 202, a night out or dinner party is long, long overdue.  (Just no work talk between us, Alex.)  Thanks for the well-wishes, Ashley.  Oh, and I’m taking you up on your offer to set me up with one of your sorority sisters.  Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that.
• Melissa: No sex date? LAME.
• Kristen: Thanks for the after-work scotches and conversations about life, the MDP at Circle Bar, the class we shared at UNO, your advice on scooters, your taste in music and food, and holy fuck I’ve been crushing on you since I first moved here. Good luck with life and the possibility of Germany, etc etc.
• Katie from Lake Charles: I hope it was painfully obvious that I really, really wanted to sleep with you when I was giving you a ride back to Loyola, before I was cockblocked in the worst way.  That offer still stands, by the way.
• Certain Person’s girlfriend from Quebec: We slept together, several times. You guys had broken up and really, it’s a French Canadian thing, the random casual sex.  I miss the both of you!
• The middle-aged lady who always used to hit on me at work and at Sake Café could’ve had it.  Just saying.
• I definitely did sleep with one of New Orleans’s most prominent TV meteorologists. Not telling who, though.
• AT&T in New Orleans: Horrible service. Slow 3G, if it even works at all. Overpriced. No 4G LTE. Get your shit together or let someone who knows what they’re doing (coughVERIZONcough) take over.
• Corruption: Still here, still awesome. I have an audio recording of someone giving evidence of a certain developer paying off Ray Nagin for special treatment. I’m saving that jewel for a rainy day.
• Cochon: Thank you for existing.
• University of New Orleans: Thanks for burning bridges between us. All the research I was going to submit to you guys, I turned into the other two universities I’m affiliated with, George Mason University and the Université de Montréal. Also, bad idea for a you to violate federal disability statues, admit to it in a series of emails, and then somehow let me get a hold of those. You guys are not smart.

I think that about covers it.  If I didn’t mention you specifically, know that I love you and we should’ve hung out last week and said our goodbyes properly.

“Mais les vrais voyageurs sont ceux-là seuls qui partent,
Pour partir; cœurs légers, semblables aux ballons,
De leur fatalité jamais ils ne s’écartent,
Et, sans savoir pourquoi, disent toujours: Allons!”
- Baudelaire