unfuckwithable.ca

tesslynch:

If I could receive messages from the Universe, I’d want to know answers to the following questions:

• Why doesn’t somebody come up with a better cable internet/television provider in my area than Time Warner?
• How different are skunks from cats?
• What is the best way to make homemade pasta in a small kitchen?
• Why have you cursed me with skin that requires I use Clearasil at age 27 before I go to bed? Can you un-curse me of this?
• Why can some women walk comfortably in heels and others cannot?
• Will humans ever evolve to be capable of SCUBA diving without equipment?
• What’s my blood type? I never feel sure.
• Is there some herb I can eat so that when I sweat it smells like night-blooming jasmine?
• How do I get a book deal?
• What are Friday’s Megamillions numbers?
• What’s going on with Brangelina really??

a) This is a fantastic picture of Tess. (CLASSY HOT!)

b) My response to these questions

• I really think super high speed wireless internet access and things like Hulu or HBO OnDemand on your computer will improve our lives immensely in the next few years.
• Remedy for skunks is tomato juice; remedy for cats is some kind of new DJ Roomba that picks up cat hair, disperses industrial strength air freshener, and has a lotion reservoir for claw scratches.  The advance model could even clean up litterboxes.
• My Swiss Italian friends have a mini-pasta maker that hooks up to their Kitchen Aid and pops out the best fresh pasta, all in an area the size of a Cuisinart processor.
• I have crappy oily skin too, so I feel your pain.  I usually sauna for 30-60 minutes every day and (embarassing beauty secret here) I dab some Olay on my face before bedtime.  I smell like a lady but my skin doesn’t suck anymore.
• This is sort of like how some guys are all about flip flops and some guys wear square-toed shoes, right?  NO IDEA.
• You watched SeaQuest DSV too?!
• Next time you get some blood tested, just ask if you’re a universal donor or universal recipient.  That’s how I remember.
• Use some kind of jasmine-infused body oil or lotion?
• Book deal?  Travel back in time to 2004 and write a witty niche blog/steal that Stuff White People Like idea.
• 5 12 27 32 51 + 9
• Garth: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you’re gonna hurl? 
  Wayne: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.