unfuckwithable.ca

After my post #24Hours and productivity marathon, I fell into a deep slumber, and while it was rather short considering my sleep deficit, I experienced so many visuals, insights, ideas, and good vibes.  I went to bed in pain, and I woke up feeling as if the whole world has been lifted from my shoulders (though it’s still there, believe me).  Alcoholics experience moments of clarity - I experienced a moment of positivity and energy.  Maybe it was the music, maybe this is a lingering effect of a beam of radiation to the head, maybe it’s a new/weird stress response to the anxiety of my neurology visit on Monday.

It’s an either/or situation on Monday.  I find out that I get to pass GO! and collect $200, or that I have sit another turn in jail - this game has no get out of jail free cards.  I’m 90% sure it will be the former.  In that case, all I have to do is figure out a plan d’action (so-called by me because it’s just as awful as the federal government’s version) and decide when to begin.  All options are on the table, I’ve decided.  I’m no longer going to pre-occupy myself with my transfer to DC, because it will happen when it happens, but I will plan for it in my schedule (I only get one shot).  There are more important things to focus on and I’ve taken my eye off the ball, which I said I wasn’t going to do in the first place.  Bad me.

Last time I immersed myself in work, in trying to save the world (or at least one country), and I lost pieces of myself in the process - not to mention losing others at the same time.  Not again, never again.  This time I have music, I have the written word (both mine and others’), and I have all sorts of beauty to distract myself with.  I’m lucky to know many talented and creative people who have stuck around with me over the past six, eight, ten, twelve years or more.  They can create and supply the other medicine crucial to my survival.  Seeing them do amazing things, go on adventures around the world, or grow into even better people is the best source of inspiration I could ever never ask for.  Merci d’avance.

I didn’t get a chance to make the necessary life changes I needed to undertake before starting my treatment, but I’m using this little break in the war on my vital organs to do just that.  If all options are on the table, I need to be in much better shape both physically and mentally to be able to make it through.  From now on, only healthy and positive things enter my body and mind.  (And, of course, the toxic brew to continue this war.)  Everything negative, I will force out - negative thinking, depression, the shit food I’ve been consuming lately (under stress), the chemicals, sweat, tears, and blood.  When all of this is over, I will be a much better person.  The same person, but better.  J’veux tout faire en même temps! Tant mieux, motherlovers!

This won’t be easy.  I’ll still complain, I’ll still be in pain, I’ll still do idiotic things.  I’ll still probably freak out every time I hear ever a shred of news about my job.  I’ll pine over women past, present, future, and never was.  But that’s all part of growing into a better person, and unfortunately part of the healing process.  That’s what I’m taking away from my short but intense dream - a plan for a longer, better life.

Tout est maintenant en place dans ma vie.